The Wheel

One can wonder — given the existence of multitudinous fad diets, supplements, yoga classes, and such — how so many people pack pounds and pounds of porcine pestilence. While not wasting time exploring this rhetorical quandary, what can we do to end the atrocious adiposity affecting all of America and the developed countries? United Shitlords propose a super simple solution:  The Wheel.

Governments of respective countries install BMI machines at points of sale in venues which sell any form of sustenance. Customers must stand on the machines and measure their body fat percentage before purchasing. Men with a BFP over 15% and women over 25% trigger a bifurcation event. Then, fat prevention officers (FPOs) present the offending party with a choice.

Pick your path forward

Option A entails immediate culling and rendering of body fat. FPOs melt the fat into lamp oil, which burns, heating water that boils to turn a turbine connected to a generator, and produces electricity. Said energy credits the public power grid, lowering costs for consumers. Thus, fat people may benefit, rather than burden, society overall.

Overweight offenders may choose option B instead. The Wheel comprises a system of ship’s wheels mounted parallel to the earth. In the largely uninhabited desert regions of America, those opting for active change in their lives make their rounds on the wheels 12 hours each day, given nothing but water. The wheels, of course, connect to turbines and produce electricity in the same manner and result as option A.

As BFP calculation happens on request to FPOs at The Wheel facilities, some inmates wish to work themselves to a sustainable weight. Thus, users face no danger in slipping below threshold only to fall back a week later after a holiday binge. Former fats learn good judgement, temperance, and responsibility. Societies prosper faster owed to reduced medical costs, better resource utilisation due to not producing oversised items (clothing, seating, etc), and higher birth rates from the availability of more attractive mating partners.

The end game

United Shitlords do not endorse such heavy-handed governmental action in normal cases. However, the obesity epidemic that we confront knows no drastic abating attributed directly to informed decisions from the general population. Delaying implementation of The Wheel serves only to fatten our countries further. Eat wisely.


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