Practise kegels instead of twerking

Skype conversation with Secunda discussing equating twerking with air guitar.
Hear that hamster spin.

Twerk it, girl!

— the battle cry of club-hardened sluts

United Shitlords, not early adopters of modernities by any means, come late to the twerking discussion. Nonetheless, given the finite time allocated daily by the mechanics of our planet, why girls choose en masse to spend their hours practising such a comparatively worthless activity evades the critical thinking of your not so humble authors. Never criticising without proposing an alternate solution, we invite the young women who consider learning twerking to instead master pelvic floor exercises a.k.a. kegels first.

Kegels tighten the vaginal muscles through dynamic tension exercises. Your grandfathers called vaginæ which demonstrated this delectable quality “snappers”. Any woman can acquire said skill. She needs only time, patience, persistence, and discipline.

How does one learn kegels? The first muscle set lies at the vaginal entrance. Identify it by urinating and stopping the flow by muscular contractions down there. (Same identification procedure applies for men.) Once familiar with the muscle group, contract as hard as possible and hold until you relent. Release and repeat for 20 minutes daily, divided in halves, one set after waking and the other before bedtime.

The next muscle group lives deeper in the vagina. Find it on your own. We save detailing “second gate” exercises for the advanced class in another article someday. Focus on door number one for now and get good before progressing.

Applications of kegels

You develop a super snatch. Now what happens? Don’t take it to the county fair for entry in any contests. Instead:

  1. Give yourself orgasms. Great way to pass any boring, and mostly useless, liberal arts class;
  2. Deploy the weapon of dong destruction during sex. Squeeze on every out stroke, never on insertion. Careful here, though. If he never experienced le coco mordant and pops in eight minutes like the majority of guys, sexual duration diminishes;
  3. Balance the endocrine system, according to Chinese medicine. Talk with your health care practitioner first. United Shitlords possess high-level shitlording qualifications, not medical licenses;
  4. Insert your discovery in the comments section — anything from pressing lemons to launching ping pong balls;

Men performing kegels gain sexual stamina, increase pleasure, and delay ejaculation, too. Achieving a relatively high standard of constriction within 1–2 weeks rests within the realm of reason. As with any other activity, practice makes perfect.

Guys, ensure your women pick up kegels and work on them every day. Consider it a deal breaker if she refuses to learn. The reward ranks too highly and the benefits amaze even the most sceptical among us to allow failure in this category. Flex ferociously!


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