Basic men’s informal attire: Shoes

Shoes correspond to the foundation of a house, not only due to position but also how they determine other parts of your outfit. Any abode not built upon a solid structure falls apart when an earthquake hits (in this case, the end of your laundry cycle with few clean clothes on the rack). You frame out the windows after the foundation is laid, so delay thinking about what tie you wear today until you have your feet shod.

In some cultures, the people look at your face first, then your feet to gauge where you stand financially. Keep this in mind when doing business in various parts of the world or your vibrant, sprawling, urbanite metropolis. That first impression differentiates between sealing the deal or returning to corporate HQ empty-handed.

Think ahead

Although the following items come in later blog posts, we must ponder them here. This experiment requires running only once, as afterwards your workdays begin by selecting slacks. Considering the results of your choices now before purchase might save some “buyer’s remorse” later when you realise that green tie goes with perhaps one other shirt you own when combined with the remaining suit pieces.

In general, the more combinations you produce with fewer items means you obtain higher value for the same investment. Your style results as less predictable given the reduction of instances wherein 1:1 correlations happen between components. Additionally, your clothes wear evenly due to fewer cases of that loud tie sitting on the rack unused for weeks.

Colour coordination examples
Shoes Socks Slacks Belt
Brown Grey-and-purple-striped Brown Light brown
Brown Tan Navy blue Light brown
Brown Blue Grey Light brown
Black Black and white argyle Charcoal Black
Black Charcoal White Black

Notice a pattern? Just like the Exodus/Americanus guys said recently, shoes and belt coincide always. The secret PROTIP here involves pattern belts matching with either brown or black shoes. Even /fa/ know this. Give it a shot and see for yourself.

If your budget allows for two sets of footwear, ensure you own a brown pair and a black pair. Assuming you can afford only one, go with the brown pair. They combine with more common slacks and jacket options than the black ones, and nothing stops you from adding the black shoes later.

Styles selection

Montage depicting eight different types of dress shoes.
First row: Classic black oxfords, acorn captoe oxfords, classic dress boots. Second row: Black chukka boot, Black slip on loafers from Blue. Third row: Black chelsea boot, blue Lanvin for H&M patent leather oxfords, brown double monk strap dress shoes.

Men’s dress shoe styles number far too many to delineate in this basic guide. The above image shows a small selection of various ones. Each come with their strengths and weaknesses, and with varying degrees of formality. Research, explore, test, and discover your best fit.

Most view slip on loafers as less formal than other types. Oxfords might hurt your feet quicker than other styles. The buckles on monk shoes appear like something from the 17th century with extra hardware to shine. For chukkas, if you sport some wide flipper feet, the large toe box looks like a “clown shoe” to the uncultured masses and they comment on it thusly. Chelsea boots, with their elastic sides, allow the elements to penetrate easier than other configurations.

For these reasons, United Shitlords exalt the classic dress boot above all others. By far, it balances fash, functionality, durability, simplicity, elegance, ankle support, masculinity, and sense better than the aforementioned models. Additionally, the side zipper on some boots allows for easy on and off, saving you time every day and precluding replacing the laces periodically. For more perks about boots, you can:

  1. run at least a kilometre in them without your toes screaming for release;
  2. front kick an antifa in the vital organs, if necessary;
  3. ride a motorcycle without risking losing them, unlike backless oxfords;
  4. conceal ankle carry your mousey secondary, blade, or a clip-on kubaton;

Good luck doing any of that with loafers. Classic dress boots trump the other styles in terms of overall practicality. Let’s meme them into the official dress shoe of the Alt-Right.

Construction

In terms of material, nothing beats leather. Ignore the screeching of zealous SJWs. The livestock die either way, whether for burgers or not. Buy a product made in the US or Italy if you care about quality (you do).

Just like backpacking boots, you want as much of the upper to be one solid piece of leather as possible. The more seams sown and how much you walk in them determines how quickly they wear out those junctions. Check that the manufacturer sewed and glued the upper to the sole for longer-lasting durability.

How did the maker toe the boots? Squared-toed shoes found popularity around 20 years ago for a short time and never again since. On the TQ, round-toed shoes win the argument, no question. Find some that fit you comfortably without causing bunions.

Next, review the heel pull, if applicable, as it could interfere with slim fit slacks. Some catch on it and ride up, giving a less professional look than ideal. Break in the heel tab toward the toe using a clothespin when not in use to avoid this mishap.

Lastly, some prefer leather soles that last longer, strain your ankles less, grip the pavement better, and mark floors to rubber soles which absorb less of the impact from walking, don’t smudge your nice flooring, tend to slip more on wet surfaces, and wear out faster. If you find yourself with spare cash, a shoemaker can swap the soles for you. General consensus leans toward leather soles; however, rubber bottoms function fine too.

Procurement

Again, as with backpacking boots, if you buy a cheap pair this year, plan on purchasing another pair next year. A $50 pair of dress shoes last 1½ years, best-case scenario, with weekday use. However, a $150 set of formal footwear hold up three years or more with proper care. Even the more expensive dress boots at $250 go as long as five years if you treat them well.

When you amortise the cost of the pricier kicks, it works out the same. Plus, you look better for the time you keep them. Play the long game here, suck it up, and drop the dough on quality. Your feet thank you for it, trust us.

As written above and since we find the majority of styles too feminine, United Shitlords propose a couple options for classic dress boots based on experience. In the case that dress boots clash with your personal getup, research some options for other styles. Let us and others know in the comments section what you like.

Classic dress boot recommendations
Budget Mid-range Expensive
None. In summary, we advise against skimping on footwear. Larsey dress boot from Johnston and Murphy Raspino by Bruno Magli

The last accessory which augments the enjoyment of your new-found footwear we know as insoles. Quite frankly, dress shoes look good yet lack quite a bit of comfort. Insoles help take up the slack. We implore you to spend the extra cash (~$20-40) on some full-length insoles. Spenco fabricate quality foot cushions which feel like your feet trend upon the clouds.

Protect your investment

Assuming you nut up and don some high-priced dress boots, not maintaining them results in your investment evaporating quickly. Shoe care calls for agency and only a little money. Train your wife, girlfriend, domestic partner, or housekeeper to clean and shine your boots, and gain another 20 minutes of shitposting time online!

Regarding conditioning creams and shine polish, the best way to obtain the results you seek amounts to buying a few brands and testing them yourself. The creams give a more satin or matte finish while polish and waxes leave a blinding, mirror glare that projects an image of a sharp, go-getting office dragon. These products range from $8-20 on average, so any experimentation weighs light on your purse strings. Watch some online tutorials about how to apply them correctly.

If it rains on your boots, let them dry thoroughly before applying cream or polish. They must receive treatment every time they get wet—no question. Else, the leather cracks and its life shortens with each moistening.

Lastly, over the course of their existence, the soles wear and require replacement. Get to know the local cobbler or check that the company replaces them within the warranty period. Some makers guarantee the uppers and soles for different periods, so make sure before committing!

End notes

United Shitlords hold no formal affiliations with any of the brands mentioned in this article. We wish only that the information contained herein helps aspiring Alt-Right crusaders transform into the images of Übermenschen they hold in their heads. The first goosestep to victory begins with putting on your shoes, of course.

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